I don't remember where I heard it, but it appears to be true. Bears do not hibernate. I know, I know, this is dismal news huh? Bees buzz, birds tweet, and bears...well...they hibernate. But the thing is, they don't - not really.
In order to hibernate, by definition, the metabolic rate must drop, body temperatures plummet until they are very nearly level with the surroundings. Bears don't do that; what they do is sleep, really deeply; they stay very still for long periods of time, but their temperatures and metabolic rates drop only minimally.
Not so with me.
My metabolic rate has most certainly decreased. Through strategic and systematic study of years past, I have documented routine sluggish movement and poundage gain during this most jolly of seasons. Since it cannot possibly be on account of my complete refusal to run in my long johns and blue fuzzy monster socks (I used to say a mantra to the rhythm of my feet slapping the pavement - It went like this: "You-can-not-see-just-who-I-am-I'm-running-so-darn-fast"), or my insistence on testing each batch of cookies for food poisoning (I am nothing if not a concerned parent) that leaves hibernation as the only explanation.
Moreover, despite having shrink-wrapped the entire farmhouse, we still have a happy little wind that dances through the house, ruffling the drapes and my own feathers. My body temperature is, most certainly, if not at the level of my surroundings, somewhere in the frigid vicinity.
So I've been hibernating; holed up under blankets and huddled in my grover feet unable, until our most recent fiery addition (yup, I'll blog it... be patient) to drag myself into the studio to write.
Alright, so this is sort of a manipulation of scientific fact. New definitions of hibernation have bears rated as very efficient hibernators. Fine, the bear is redeemed.
I really will try to blog more routinely though; thanks to all you fine folks who checked on my whereabouts - you can call off the search parties ;)